AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE

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I took an Attachment Style test &
​this was my result.

I have a "DISORGRANIZED" or
​"Avoidant-Fearful" Attachment Style

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AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE

People with avoidant attachment styles may have difficulty trusting others, feeling emotionally close, and being independent. They may also have a negative view of relationships and may withdraw from close relationships. 

​Some other characteristics of avoidant attachment styles include:

• Distancing
  People with avoidant attachment styles may act cold or distant towards friends and family.
• Defensive strategies
  They may use defensive strategies to avoid connection.
• Self-regulation
  They may rely on self-regulation over co-regulation, meaning they may not turn to others to process their emotions. Instead, they may use routines or activities to change their mood without sharing what's going on with others.
• Fairness
  They may be obsessed with fairness and may try to be fair with others. They may feel safer with contracts because they are written documents that outline what's fair and bind the other person. 

People with avoidant attachment styles may also feel panicky at the thought of committing to a relationship or being dependent on others. They may also be highly annoyed by their partner's behavior, habits, or appearance.

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What is the avoidant attachment style?

Avoidant attachment is characterized by having discomfort with emotional intimacy, a strong desire for independence, and difficulty wholly trusting others. In other words, the person avoids getting too close to someone else.

How do avoidants show love?

Due to their difficulties expressing emotions and affection, someone with an avoidant attachment style in relationships is more likely to show their love to partners in nonverbal manners. So keep an eye out for warm smiles, affectionate touches and extended eye contact.

What do avoidants do when triggered?

Avoidant attachment deactivating strategies

1. Distancing oneself emotionally.
2. Avoiding physical closeness.
3. Dismissing or rationalizing a partner's concerns and criticism.
4. Focusing on a partner's flaws and imperfections.
5. Fantasizing about past or ideal partners.
6. Flirting with others.
7. Always having an exit strategy on hand.

What are the characteristics of avoidant attachment people?

Traits of a dismissive avoidant attachment style

• have a negative view of relationships.
• act distant and cold toward family or friends.
• refuse to become emotionally close to others.
• withdraw from relationships that are too intimate.
• seek out control and autonomy in situations.
• use defensive strategies to avoid connection.

Fearful avoidant attachment style, also known as disorganized attachment style, is an insecure attachment style that can affect adult relationships. People with this style may crave closeness and support, but also fear it and feel the need to distance themselves from others. They may believe they are unlovable and don't trust others to support and accept them, so they withdraw from relationships. However, they may also strongly desire intimacy because the acceptance of others helps them feel better about themselves. 

Fearful avoidant attachment style can stem from intense fear, often as a result of childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. For example, a child may not feel secure in their relationship if a caregiver uses threatening language, such as making threats of punishment or physical violence. The child may also learn they cannot rely on having healthy and supportive communication with their caregivers. 

People with fearful avoidant attachment style may initially present themselves as confident, attractive, and exciting, but their fear of being hurt by someone they trust makes it difficult to bond and open up. They may have a hard time dating, and may prefer to stay in casual relationships or relationships without labels because they are afraid of getting closer. They may also find themselves staying in the dating stage of the relationship for a prolonged period. 

People with fearful avoidant attachment style may initially present themselves as confident, attractive, and exciting, but their fear of being hurt by someone they trust makes it difficult to bond and open up. They may have a hard time dating, and may prefer to stay in casual relationships or relationships without labels because they are afraid of getting closer. They may also find themselves staying in the dating stage of the relationship for a prolonged period. 
With the right support, many people with a fearful avoidant attachment style are able to cope and develop healthy and loving relationships. With the support of a mental health professional, a person may learn about the cause of these behavior patterns and learn to feel safe and more stable in their relationships.

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Those who identify with the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style (also known as disorganized attachment) had a parent that they felt both connected to and deeply fearful of.

Their parent may have been abusive or were experiencing their own unresolved traumas that caused them to sometimes act in frightening ways.

Hal Shorey wrote these words in an article titled, Come Here, Go Away: The Dynamics is Fearful Avoidant;

“The child cannot escape the anxiety coming from the environment and cannot be soothed by the parent. To make matters worse, the parent’s behavior might actually increase the child's anxiety and impel the child to once again approach the scary parent.”
​The reason this attachment style can be so challenging is that the person has internal conflicting messages.

As adults, they want to get close to their intimate partner, but they feel intense anxiety just as they begin to depend and feel safe with them.

And this confusion can be very challenging for their partner.

Their partner is usually deeply frustrated as to how to support them and help them to feel safe in the relationship.

I highly recommend encouraging your partner to get professional support in a non-judgmental and gentle way.

And if you live somewhere where you don’t have access to one on one support, educating both yourself and your partner can go a long way.

“The Power of Attachment” by Diane Poole Heller is a great book that covers this attachment style.

Being in a relationship with someone who has such intense fears can be overwhelming.

I don’t want to sugarcoat or minimize that reality.

It’s important that you as a partner are taking care of yourself just as you are taking care of your partner.

It’s important that you are setting boundaries if your partner continues to make threats to leave.

Those “threats” are usually triggered by their enormous fear of being hurt or overwhelmed.

However, your (loving yet firm) boundary can help them to finally acknowledge the work that they must courageously lean into.

Remember, you can’t do the work for your partner.

But you can absolutely choose to stand by their side, especially when they are taking ownership of their own healing.
~Silvy Khoucasian

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Read the blog at:

www.triggeryourtrip.com

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@eyemindspirit You want them to text, but when they do you panic □ #fearfulavoidantattachment #disorganizedattachment #breakup #datingtok #anxiousattachment #avoidantattachment #situationship #breakuptiktok #leftonread #indecisive ♬ Aglow (Intro) - Slowed Down Version - Karamel Kel

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What are the characteristics of avoidant attachment people?
Traits of a dismissive avoidant attachment style

• have a negative view of relationships.
• act distant and cold toward family or friends.
• refuse to become emotionally close to others.
• withdraw from relationships that are too intimate.
• seek out control and autonomy in situations.
• use defensive strategies to avoid connection.

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What kind of partner does an avoidant need?

Avoidant partners want to feel respected and to have their behavior acknowledged. They want to know that their need for space isn't a deal-breaker and that you'll be there when they're ready. Avoidant individuals will also want to be reassured that you're not trying to control or change them in your relationship.

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What hurts a fearful avoidant?

Fearful avoidant attachment gets triggered by emotional intimacy, vulnerability, or perceived threat of abandonment or rejection. All of these events can trigger childhood memories of unstable caregivers and can evoke fear and avoidance.

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How does a fearful avoidant show love?

How A Fearful Avoidant Shows Love. A fearful avoidant may show that they love you through the following: Making an effort to connect with you. Expressing that they want to be intimate.

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