Confront My Childhood Trauma

Confronting My Childhood Trauma:

A Journey of Healing

Childhood trauma is a profound and enduring experience that shapes us in ways we often don't fully comprehend until much later in life. For me, the trauma came at the hands of my father, who inflicted emotional and mental abuse that left deep scars. He would call me "retarded" and "stupid," constantly telling me I would never amount to anything. Even though he's no longer with us, his words still echo in my mind, sometimes making me doubt myself. But I'm determined to prove him wrong and move forward.

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Growing up was tough. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of five, and my behavior was challenging for my parents to manage. I was hyperactive, uncontrollable, and often in trouble. My father, who also suffered from undiagnosed ADHD, didn't have the tools or understanding to handle my condition. Our relationship improved as I got older, but the trauma from my childhood lingered.

For years, I buried the pain deep in my subconscious, trying to forget and ignore it. Occasionally, triggers would bring it to the surface, but I would push it back down. Recently, my wife suggested that I talk to my therapist about these buried emotions and face them head-on. She was right.

I began doing shadow work, a therapeutic practice involving exploring and integrating the darker, often hidden aspects of oneself. Through shadow work journal prompts, I started to unravel the anger and pain I had carried for so long. The first set of prompts helped me release much of the anger I felt towards my father and gave me a new perspective on his struggles.

However, healing is not a linear process. I've only completed one set of shadow work prompts, and it's a challenge to stay in the right state of mind to continue. Today might be the day I tackle another set of prompts, as I'm committed to facing my trauma, understanding it, and ultimately healing from it.

Understanding my father's undiagnosed ADHD and the pressures he faced gave me a sense of empathy. He was dealing with his own battles, and while it didn't excuse his behavior, it helped me to forgive him. My anger towards him started to dissipate, replaced by a desire to heal and move forward.

However, healing is not a linear process. I've only completed one set of shadow work prompts, and it's a challenge to stay in the right state of mind to continue. Today might be the day I tackle another set of prompts, as I'm committed to facing my trauma, understanding it, and ultimately healing from it.

Throughout my life, I've used writing as a way to cope with my anger and emotions. As a teenager, I transitioned from crying to feeling intense anger. Coming out as a lesbian at thirteen was a relief, but it added another layer of complexity to my relationship with my parents, particularly my mother, who is a Jehovah's Witness. Her religious beliefs clashed with my identity, leading to more emotional turmoil.

In 2015, I came out as transgender, which brought a mix of reactions from my parents. My mother was disappointed, but my father accepted it more readily, having understood my identity better than I had realized. Despite this acceptance, the childhood abuse had already left its mark.

Dealing with my anger has been an ongoing challenge. Instead of lashing out, I channel it through writing and music. My "Anger Rage" playlist and my journal are my outlets, helping me process my emotions without harming others. Writing about my feelings, whether in the heat of the moment or during quieter times, has been a crucial part of my healing journey.

I'm not angry with my father anymore. The shadow work has allowed me to see him as a flawed human being, struggling just as I was. Forgiving him has been a significant step in my healing process, but it's just the beginning. The journey to heal from childhood trauma is long and requires facing uncomfortable truths about ourselves and our pasts.

As I continue with shadow work and therapy, I'm learning to confront the buried emotions and memories that have shaped me. Healing is about understanding and integrating these experiences, not just burying them deeper. It's about proving to myself that I am not defined by the words and actions of my past.

If you're dealing with similar trauma, know that you're not alone. Healing is possible, but it requires courage and commitment to face your pain. Whether through therapy, shadow work, writing, or other means, the path to healing is unique to each of us. Take it one step at a time, and don't be afraid to seek support along the way.