My Mental Disorders

My Mental Illnesses: Navigating
​ Life with Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, BPD, Social Anxiety, and Schizoaffective Disorder

Living with multiple mental health conditions can feel like an overwhelming journey through a labyrinth of emotions, thoughts, and experiences. Today, I want to share my story of navigating life with Manic Depressive Bipolar Disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Social Anxiety Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder. Each of these conditions presents unique challenges, but understanding and addressing them has been key to managing my mental health and finding moments of peace and stability.

Manic Depressive Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder, particularly the manic-depressive type, has been a rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows. During manic episodes, I feel invincible, bursting with energy and creativity. These periods are often accompanied by impulsive decisions, decreased need for sleep, and racing thoughts. However, the manic highs are followed by crushing depressive episodes, where even the simplest tasks feel insurmountable. These lows are characterized by deep sadness, lethargy, and hopelessness.

Managing bipolar disorder requires a careful balance of medication, therapy, and lifestyle adjustments. Mood stabilizers help to even out the highs and lows, while therapy provides tools to navigate the emotional turbulence. Recognizing the early signs of an episode has been crucial in seeking timely help and preventing full-blown episodes.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

ADHD adds another layer of complexity to my daily life. It’s not just about being inattentive or hyperactive; it’s about struggling to maintain focus, organize tasks, and manage time effectively. ADHD often feels like my mind is a constantly changing channel, making it difficult to complete tasks or follow through with plans.

Stimulant medications help manage some of the symptoms, but building routines and using organizational tools have been equally important. Breaking tasks into smaller, manageable steps and using reminders and schedules have significantly improved my ability to function day-to-day.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Borderline Personality Disorder is marked by intense emotional instability, fear of abandonment, and difficulty maintaining relationships. Emotions can shift rapidly from one extreme to another, leading to impulsive actions and volatile interpersonal relationships. The fear of abandonment often triggers intense anxiety and can lead to desperate attempts to avoid real or imagined separation.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has been instrumental in managing BPD. DBT focuses on building skills in four key areas: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. Learning to manage my emotions, tolerate distress, and improve my relationships has been a crucial part of my journey.

Social Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder is an intense fear of social situations and being judged or scrutinized by others. It can be paralyzing, making it difficult to engage in everyday activities like attending social events, speaking up in meetings, or even going to the grocery store. The anxiety can trigger physical symptoms such as sweating, trembling, and a racing heart.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been effective in addressing social anxiety. CBT helps reframe negative thought patterns and gradually exposes me to social situations in a controlled way, reducing the anxiety over time. Practicing mindfulness and relaxation techniques also helps to manage the physical symptoms of anxiety.

Schizoaffective Disorder

Schizoaffective disorder combines symptoms of schizophrenia, such as delusions and hallucinations, with mood disorder symptoms, either depressive or bipolar. This duality means experiencing the psychotic symptoms of schizophrenia while also dealing with the extreme mood swings of bipolar disorder. It’s like living in two worlds at once, each with its own set of challenges.

Managing schizoaffective disorder involves a comprehensive treatment plan that includes antipsychotic medications, mood stabilizers, and antidepressants, depending on the specific symptoms. Regular therapy sessions help address both the psychotic and mood-related aspects of the disorder, providing strategies to manage symptoms and improve overall functioning.

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POETRY SECTION
Here is a section of my Poetry that I wrote about my Mental Illnesses.

BELOW IS A POEM FROM ME TITLED
​"SCHIZO-PARANOIA"

"NO SPACE AVAILABLE" POEM I WROTE

Echoes whisper--voices freeze
ashes of insanity.
Pain expressed in silhouettes
a shadow of disfigurement.

Darkness sets on desolation,
beating, clawing for escape.
He screams for help, please let me out
stop these walls from closing in.

Reflection hazed and dimming life
through sparks of rage and shining silver.
Winding, drowning in the screams--
crimson streaks and splattered scenes.

Heavy breathing--demons chime
twisting through this desparation.
Vitality through mangled flesh,
chewing bone and fatty tissue.

Lullabies of darkened rhymes are
etched inside his fragile mind.
Spiraling into damnation--
hollowed soul of resurrection.

Flesh is sliced--a violent rape
victims of defilement.
Bound and gagged--innards bled
a struggle for their sanity.

Lost on trails of misty gloom,
branches scratch and dig at skin.
Tears of rain midst shrouded tombs,
their throats are cut near burials.

Sacrificial mutilation,
schizophrenics laugh and play.
Murder weapon of their choice that
causes so much agony.

Inside the head of paranoia,
laughing, stalked by demon pleas.
Crying, slashing at the beast,
a gutted victim at your feet.

A smile set to spurting life,
a bath of warmth and tender flesh.
Intestines curled around your corpse,
engulfed inside demented fun.

The doors of death have closed their wings,
rasping breathing emanates.
Running, running, faster! RUN
quickly NOW THEY'VE GAINED ON YOU.

Trapped and doomed in endless clutches,
panic stricken--voices pound.
The will to live has lessened for
you've fallen and you've lost the game.

Morphine laced--such ghastly dreams,
a spray of blood through sacrifice.
​A scalpel dragged across the throat
to end this schizophrenic life.

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A SCHIZOPHRENIC MOMENT

To live within the mind of a schizophrenic is to know true fear!

A flash of shadow in the dark
Fleeing feet encased in dew
Winded from this reckless flight
Too fearful yet to stop and breath

Each shadow seems to hold a menace
Each hushed sound just renews the terror
But just ahead a place of refuge
And safety from this feel of dread

A bronze key rams into the lock
and hastily it opens
Behind the slammed door finally
The ragged breaths soon slow

But even here within this safety
The paranoia brings unease
As voices ring between her ears
And push against her senses

The food that was just purchased
Tastes tinged with something foreign
And water from the faucet
Has lost the clarity expected

She looks at all the pills that lay
Spilled out across the kitchen table
And thanks the Lord that she has learned
That they deliver poison

She sits all crumpled in a corner
Her eyes alert for any danger
Her mind awash with rampant thought
Too scared to move, from this small spot.

​​I want to kill
what's inside my head
​There's someone in my head
​but it's not me.
I evicted that person
and put a sign up
​that says no available space!

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SCATTERED THOUGHTS

For even Satan disguises
himself as an angel of light
We drink the poison our
minds pour us
and wonder why
we feel so sick
You won't like me
when I'm Psychoanalyzed
Are you insane
like me?
We're all addicted
to something that
take the pain away
Depression is like a war
you either win
or die trying
There are poems inside of me
that paper can't handle
Don't die
with your song
still inside of you

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ACUTE SCHIZOPHRENIA PARANOIA BLUES

I’m too terrified to walk out of my own front door,
​They’re demonstrating outside I think they’re gonna start the third world war,
I’ve been to my local head shrinker,
To help classify my disease,
He said it’s one of the cases of acute schizophrenia he sees.
Well the milkman’s a spy, and the grocer keeps on following me,
And the woman next door’s an undercover for the k.g.b.,
And the man from the social security
Keeps on invading my privacy,
Oh there ain’t no cure for acute schizophrenia disease.

I’ve got acute schizophrenia paranoia too,
Schizophrenia, schizophrenia,
I’ve got it, you’ve got it, we can’t lose,
Acute schizophrenia blues.

I’m lost on the river, the river of no return,
I can’t make decisions, I don’t know which way I’m gonna turn,
Even my old dad, lost some of the best friends he ever had,
Apparently, his was a case of acute schizophrenia too.

I got acute schizophrenia paranoia too,
Schizophrenia, schizophrenia,
I’ve got it, you’ve got it, we can’t lose,
Acute schizophrenia blues,

They’re watching my house and they’re tapping my telephone,
I can’t trust nobody, but I’m much too scared to be on my own
And the income tax collector’s got his beady eye on me,
Oh there ain’t no cure for acute schizophrenia disease.

No there ain’t no cure for
Schizophrenia disease.

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Navigating Life with Multiple Mental Health Conditions

Living with multiple mental health conditions is an ongoing journey, requiring resilience, patience, and a supportive network. Each day presents new challenges, but it also offers opportunities for growth and self-discovery.

Here are some key strategies that have helped me manage my mental health:

• Medication Management: Working closely with healthcare providers to find the right medication regimen has been crucial. Regular check-ins ensure that the medications continue to be effective and any side effects are managed.
• Therapy: Regular therapy sessions provide a safe space to explore my thoughts and feelings, develop coping strategies, and work through challenges. Different therapeutic approaches, including CBT, DBT, and mindfulness-based therapies, have been beneficial.
• Support Network: Building a support network of family, friends, and support groups provides emotional support and practical assistance. Sharing my experiences with others who understand helps to reduce feelings of isolation.
• Self-Care: Prioritizing self-care is essential. This includes regular exercise, a balanced diet, adequate sleep, and engaging in activities that bring joy and relaxation. Mindfulness practices such as meditation and yoga help to center my thoughts and reduce stress.
• Education and Advocacy: Learning about my conditions and advocating for myself in healthcare settings ensures that I receive the best possible care. Staying informed about new treatments and approaches empowers me to make informed decisions about my health.

Conclusion

Living with Manic Depressive Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, BPD, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder is undoubtedly challenging, but it has also taught me resilience and self-awareness. Each condition requires a tailored approach to treatment, but with the right strategies and support, it is possible to lead a fulfilling and meaningful life. If you or someone you know is struggling with similar challenges, I encourage you to seek help and remember that you are not alone. There is hope, and there is help.